


How Rare and Beautiful It Is to Even Exist

by Cosmic_Myths



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Episode: s01e10 The White Violin, Gen, Not Season/Series 02 Compliant, Season 1 Spoilers, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Vanya Hargreeves-centric, alternate ending to season one, no happy ending, pure angst, song inspired fic, this is sad people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28189431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosmic_Myths/pseuds/Cosmic_Myths
Summary: A gunshot echoes throughout the room containing the auditorium and the stage. Everyone’s eyes are on the deep red staining the pristine white suit. Vanya thinks back to the words and secrets of the universe that her brothers shared with her. At the end of her concert, she’s not that different from a star.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 15
Kudos: 112





	How Rare and Beautiful It Is to Even Exist

A gunshot echoes throughout the room containing the auditorium and the stage. Blinding light dances across the walls, but they slowly retreat in on one central figure. The light dims as it reaches her, and the power that seems to be buzzing under her skin begins to fizzle out. In a flash, the power bursts out in the form of piercing sound as if it can incapacitate the enemy before they damage the holder of the powers, but it’s in vain. 

The walls rattle, and the glass from the ceiling shatters and falls in perfect sync with the petite figure in a white suit. The attention isn’t on the destruction of the magnificent architecture, though. Everyone’s eyes are on the deep red staining the pristine white suit. The body is caught before it can hit the ground, and everyone quickly stands up and rushes over. 

Allison’s silent sobs shudder through her body as she carefully cradles her sister’s head as if that will heal the bullet wound in her chest. Their brothers rush over with varying degrees of shock and horror on their faces. The world is saved, but their  _ sister  _ is bleeding out on the stage, and nothing could have ever truly been prepared to face this. They watch as her white eyes fade to a clouded brown, and she feebly reaches her hand out. Everyone dives in at once, but it’s Five who gets there first. 

Vanya squeezes his hand, but her focus is on the moon which is brilliantly shining in its frame of broken glass which is still clinging to the ceiling. Stars decorate the darkness behind it, and she can’t stop a smile from overtaking her. She knows that even when she’s gone, the light of the stars will always be there to help other broken children during the hard nights. 

When she was younger, during a time before they had lost any siblings, she would spend her days with Five and Ben. Five, Six, and Seven were a little trio of siblings who had a quiet understanding for one another. Oftentimes, they would sneak back into the library after dark, and many times Vanya would be drawn to looking out the window at the stars. Five would follow with his knowledge of astrophysics, and Ben would follow with his tales of the stars watching over them all. 

They spent countless hours discussing anything and everything under the stars. Five would go on rants about how truly extraordinary it was that they were even alive—their births shouldn’t have been theoretically possible—and Vanya would respond by saying how grateful she was that she got the opportunity to meet her two favorite brothers. At the time, it seemed like they were her only brothers. Ben would smile sadly, his thoughts usually lingering on how unfair it was that he was stuck with The Horror, but Five and Vanya would always do their best to pull him out of that spiral. 

The light of the stars had always burned bright inside of Vanya, and it seemed to flare everytime she thought of her lost brothers because it was them who put the warmth in her chest in the first place, but now it seems to be dimming. In a way, she thinks her death is almost like a star going supernova—another thing Five extensively taught them about. She got brighter and brighter until it spilled out of her in an explosion, and now she’s dying. She can’t truly describe what she’s feeling, but it’s not fear. At the very least, she’s glad she got to experience what life really was without the numbness that the pills gave her. For the first time in over twenty years, she got to experience  _ life _ , and she’s thankful for that, even if it lasted for a short amount of time. 

She’s not afraid of death. She’s not afraid because the brother that ran out of the house finally came back, and she saw the glowing figure of her brother who died amongst the seats, and just a glimpse at her best friends is enough to make her existence worth it. She’s not afraid of death because at least she didn’t during her monotone state. At least she remembered how to see colors before she died. 

Her breaths are coming out more shallow. The screams of the people around her come back into focus, and she’s vaguely aware of someone holding her other hand. If she focuses hard enough, she can hear someone reassuring her that an ambulance is coming. She can hear them telling her that  _ it’s going to be okay _ , and she wishes she could tell them that she already knows that, but she can’t find the words. She thinks her last words need to be somewhat thought out. 

“Y-you know…” She takes another shallow breath, and she can hear heads snapping towards her even if she can’t see it. “Life is really… really beautiful…” 

She’s having trouble forming the next words, and she can feel the tears falling from her eyes. Hands are pressed over her chest where her bullet wound is, but she knows it’s too late. There’s nothing they can do to stop her death, and she desperately wishes she could help them be as peaceful with that truth as she is. 

“Our existence was… rare in the first place… and despite everything…” She coughs, and she wishes she could at least get the metallic taste of blood out of her mouth. “I’m glad I ex-experienced it.” 

Her body feels cold, and she finds herself wanting a blanket. She’s always had a problem with the cold, so to die whilst feeling cold is upsetting to say the least. She doesn’t think she has time to ask for a blanket, though, so instead she just keeps going. 

“Five?” She whispers out weakly. 

The grip on her hand becomes tighter. This is her childhood best friend, her soul confident, and if she’s going to leave this world with regrets, then the regret is going to be not hanging out with him more since he came back. She should have hugged him while she had the chance. She should have played him the pieces on the violin that he’d never heard her play, and she should have clung to him like a lifeline. They were definitely closer as kids, before they’d been jaded by their own experiences, and she wonders what their lives would have been like if they’d been able to have normal, happy childhoods. She hopes they would have stayed closer throughout their entire lives, but they don’t have that option now. Instead, she hopes she can at least hear his voice. 

“Can you… tell me about the stardust?” Her voice is getting quieter, and after a bit of silence, she worries he didn’t hear her. 

He did. 

“Well, when big stars at the beginning of the universe exploded, more compounds were created, including carbon which is the foundation for life. In a sense, we’re all stardust, and the compounds which make up our body will eventually be recycled into the universe.” 

His voice is tight, and Vanya is shocked to feel drops of water falling onto her hand. Never in her life has she seen Five cry, and a part of her aches at the thought of him crying over her. He’s been through too much—she doesn’t want him to spend his time crying over her. She feels the need to cheer him up before she loses the ability to speak. It feels like a lifetime has passed, but she knows it’s been less than a minute. People can’t survive that long with a bullet wound, afterall. 

“Want to make a star together?” She asks.

“Yeah,” He says. “Not exactly how it works, but I can make an exception.” 

Her vision is fading, and soon the moon is only a blurry light in the distance. Even so, she never tears her eyes away from the night sky. She feels calm when she looks at it because she knows everything is a part of it, and she’ll still be a part of the universe, even if she is dead. She wonders what it will be like to join the stars that she and her brothers told stories about as children. 

She’s losing her senses. She can’t feel Allison’s hands carefully running through her hair. She can’t feel the pressure of Diego’s hands trying to stop her from bleeding out. She can’t feel the sweaty palms clutching her own hands in theirs. Her sight is practically gone, and she can’t even register the cold anymore. Her hearing is the only thing intact, but she thinks that must be because of her powers. 

“Vanya. Can you hear me? Help is on the way, I promise. They’ll be here any second now.” 

She can hear them, but the paramedics won’t be able to help. She’s already fading. 

“Hey Vanny,” Klaus starts. “Ben wants me to tell you something for him.” 

If her breathing wasn’t already reduced to pathetic wheezing, it would have hitched at the mention of her dead brother. She wonders if she’ll see him after she dies or if she’ll just never become a ghost. If she’s being honest with herself, she doesn’t really want to spend her time haunting her brother. 

“He told me that… that the universe is going to be a lot duller without you because… he says it’s because it was made specifically for you.” 

Vanya wishes she had the strength to laugh, or even smile, because she knows exactly what Ben is referencing. They’d been in the library like they always were, and Ben had told her that the universe was made just to be seen by her eyes. It was a nice thing for him to say, and it had kept her going through rough times in adulthood. Of course, Five had scoffed and said, “the universe wasn’t made for anyone, Ben.” 

It’s a nice memory to look back on, and as Vanya’s vision fades completely, she’s glad it’s the last image in her mind. It’s comforting, and thinking of it gives her a feeling that she thinks must be akin to coming home. 

Her breath stops, and her body goes slack. Her siblings still, and soon Diego is trying to perform CPR because he’s not going to lose another person, and no matter how mad he is about the book, he still loves his family. Klaus is covering his eyes and ears as he tries to get the image of death that has followed him everywhere out of his mind; he definitely doesn’t need the image of the death of  _ another  _ sibling haunting him. Allison reluctantly moves away to let Diego perform CPR, and she mouths ‘I heard a rumor Vanya survives’ over and over again whilst trying to stop the shaking in her hands because she  _ shot  _ her  _ sister _ . Five is shaking his head because he can’t believe he came back from the apocalypse only to watch another sibling die, and Luther is staring in shock because, even if he said they had to do whatever necessary, he never really thought about seeing Vanya, the smallest of them all, laying dead in the middle of a stage with her violin inches away from her. 

The paramedics come just over a minute later. She’s already dead. Klaus doesn’t ever see her ghost because she was too at peace with her death to remain as a ghost. The world continues on, the moon continues to shine bright in the sky, but Vanya is gone, and the siblings know it’s a hole that can never be filled. They know that whenever they look to the night sky, all they’ll be able to think about is their sister who, for a brief moment before her death, glowed a brilliant white which was able to rival the lights of the stars. 

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from "Saturn" by Sleeping At Last. Actually, the entire fic is inspired by the song, and there are references to the lyrics throughout it. 
> 
> I probably should have been working on my other Umbrella Academy fanfic, but I didn't. 
> 
> Now, if you'd excuse me, I'm going to proceed to cry over the fact that I wrote something without a happy ending.
> 
> If you'd like, you can scream to me at my Tumblr which is @tua-cosmic-academy


End file.
